


Nothing Compares

by chaerinsthighs



Series: Nothing Compares [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, DUMB NOT DUMP, HE'S DEFINITELY NOT DUMP, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, KIHYUN IS IN DENIAL, M/M, he's also dump for a smart person, hoseok is an absolute sweetheart, just not main, kiho, kiho rise, kiho thriving, so i hurt him lol, the other mx members are also there, watch me use a shit-ton of kiho tags, who said i know how to tag, yoongi is the voice of reason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-08 14:03:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14695713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaerinsthighs/pseuds/chaerinsthighs
Summary: Title from the "And nothing compares, how could it even dare" line from Darren Hayes'Black Out The SunSpecial thanks to my wonderful betamichantoneko<3Some of the events of the fic are based on real occurrences, some others are pure fiction. I tried to keep a realistic timeline, I hope it turned out well ^_^The updates will be frequent, the rest of the chapters are written and need one final edit. Enjoy! <3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the "And nothing compares, how could it even dare" line from Darren Hayes' [Black Out The Sun](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09XKnXX5Ue0)
> 
> Special thanks to my wonderful beta [michantoneko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/michantoneko) <3 
> 
> Some of the events of the fic are based on real occurrences, some others are pure fiction. I tried to keep a realistic timeline, I hope it turned out well ^_^
> 
> The updates will be frequent, the rest of the chapters are written and need one final edit. Enjoy! <3

Kihyun is rubbing his eyes to wake up. He’s tired. He doesn’t know what’s happening, but he knows that something is wrong. They’d only been sleeping for half an hour before a manager’s call had woken them up, asking them to head to Starship’s main building for an emergency meeting. Everyone had protested, but they did as they were told anyway. Hyunwoo seems worried. He’s good at hiding it, but Kihyun can tell.

Hoseok is not with them. He had stayed back to practice some more and never returned to the dorms. The others are getting ready as well. Everyone is tired and they know the worst part has yet to come. This year is super busy and highly important for them; they know they can’t afford mistakes and scandals.

It’s still the middle of the night and the roads are empty, so they arrive at Starship in less than half an hour. A staff member is waiting for them at the entrance and leads them to the room where they’re meeting Hoseok and their manager. They’re not surprised to see that two other managers are there. Everyone is inexplicably calm, mostly because of tiredness rather than determination to face whatever problem arose this time; everyone apart from Hoseok. He doesn’t look just tired. He looks dejected.

Soon, everyone knows why. The managers explain that Hoseok’s KakaoTalk account was hacked and a photo was leaked. The photo itself wasn’t the problem. After all, Hoseok himself made sure to constantly show off his body and feed the fans with shameless fanservice. The problem was that the photo was sent to a man, and word had gotten out.

Hoseok gets up as soon as the managers stop talking and bows to his members apologising. He says it was his carelessness that caused this. Hyunwoo stops him; he replies that it wasn’t his fault that he got hacked. The members agree. Hoseok cries and then it’s Minhyuk’s turn to speak.

“So you really are bi, huh?”

No one speaks. Jooheon and Changkyun look at Minhyuk surprised, thinking that it was obvious. Hoseok sniffs and rubs his nose.

“Yeah, Minhyukkie. I am. I know that this is risky for us. I’m sorry for not telling you earlier.”

“You never really hid it either, so don’t worry about it. You didn’t lie to us. A lot of people would not take it well, but they don’t have to know.” Minhyuk winks and Hoseok is obviously relieved seeing everyone’s smiles. Everyone’s apart from Kihyun’s, who seems a bit distracted.

This time it’s the managers’ turn to speak. They explain that they have come up with a couple of things they will spread to avoid things getting out of hand. They’ll say that the photo was sent to a personal trainer and count on Korea’s reluctance to accept that non-straight people are not a western culture trait to cover it up and let the matter pass quietly. Starship has always been a very LGBT supportive company, but everyone knows that the public is not ready for an idol’s coming out yet.

 

 

Fast forward a few days, everything is back to normal. The managers were right and the whole thing was more or less ignored by the public as something insignificant. There were also those fans that requested the leaked photo to be taken down. Of course on the internet nothing is ever gone, but a lot of users actually complied and deleted it. There were kpop-related magazines that wrote articles about the leak, but the whole thing died down almost as immediately as it had appeared. Monsta X on the other hand had their busy schedules to follow.

They are now on a plane to Moscow. Having successfully completed two concerts in Europe and heading for their third and last one there, Kihyun finds himself looking out of the plane’s small window, a sleepy Changkyun next to him. Most members are relaxing or taking a nap, taking advantage of the 2 hours they had for themselves, fully aware of how rare they are within their packed schedules. But Kihyun doesn’t want to sleep. He barely had anytime to himself the past days, always busy doing something, but now he has a chance to look back to a couple of things.

Kihyun’s not homophobic. He’s sure about that. Maybe he was sometime in the past, but he’s come a long way since then. Min Yoongi’s coming out to him about a year ago was the last push he needed to completely let go of his prejudices, educate himself on the matter and re-evaluate some of his beliefs. And he knows that had he said or done something wrong regarding that Yoongi would have called him out, they were that kind of friends.

Kihyun’s mind travels back to that night, a couple of days after the release of Yoongi’s much-talked-about and well-received from the public mixtape.

Yoongi had called him one late afternoon, asking to meet whenever the younger could. They had agreed to meet that same night. Kihyun had grabbed some beers and met his beloved friend on Big Hit Entertainment’s empty rooftop. They had sat on the bare concrete and talked casually about their lives, updating each other on how they were doing.

When Yoongi’s mixtape had come up, Kihyun, while congratulating the rapper on his wonderful work, had also expressed his sadness for not being able to help his friend when he needed it the most. Kihyun still remembers how Yoongi had assured him that he was better now, before taking a deep breath.

“Kihyun-ah, I’m bisexual.” He had said.

Kihyun had frozen. Yoongi kept talking, about when he first realised it, about coming out to his family, his friends, about the depression and how it had made everything worse. Kihyun had just listened. He had listened to everything his friend had to tell him. Yoongi had finished his story with a question. Kihyun had taken a deep breath and several seconds to reply.

“Of course not, hyung. You’re still you. It doesn’t matter. Not to me. But are you sure it was wise telling me? What if I wasn’t okay with it?”

The two friends had kept talking all night long. It wasn’t the first time their conversation was so honest or deep, but they both knew that that night was another milestone for their friendship.

But now? What about now? What about Hoseok? Kihyun is confused. He should have been able to tell. Minhyuk was right, Hoseok had never hid it. So why was Kihyun so surprised when his hyung came out to them? And why does that confuses him, why does it make him feel awkward? What’s different this time?

Kihyun turns his head and takes a look at Hoseok, who’s sitting at the opposite side of the plane, four seats and an aisle away from him, typing something on his laptop in deep concentration. Kihyun is sure he’s working on his lyrics again. He’s wondering when he will finally take a break. They’re all overworked and they knew it’d be like this, but he’s worried about Hoseok. He seems to be the one to never stop working at all.

He knows that the older is trying to prove himself. He knows that he’s not completely satisfied with his work either. He knows that he feels inferior and is doing his best to become someone his members can depend on. But Kihyun already sees him as a dependable hyung, and it frustrates him that Hoseok can’t see that.

He thinks about the past few days again. He hasn’t been avoiding Hoseok, but he hasn’t actively tried to speak to him either. He wonders if Hoseok has noticed. He hopes he hasn’t. He hopes he hasn’t made him feel any differently. He knows it’s the last thing the older needs right now. And if he has to be honest with himself, it’s the last thing he himself needs as well.

He just doesn’t understand where all this awkwardness came from. It doesn’t make any sense to him. It’s just Hoseok. The same Hoseok that has been by his side from the first moment he came to Starship, seeing past his cockiness and staying close to him. The same Hoseok that never missed a chance to praise his singing or any other talent of his, really. The same Hoseok that spent days with him in the studio whenever he needed help with his dancing. The same Hoseok that always made sure to greet him in the morning and show his appreciation for every little thing he did for the band. The same Hoseok that was always so open about his feelings for him, that made sure to praise Kihyun any chance he got, that had playfully poked his nose while singing “I love you more than anyone else”, that trusted him enough to make him listen to his songs first and ask for his opinion, that had-

“-ung. Kihyunnie-hyung!”

“Oh, Changkyun-ah. I’m sorry, I dozed off, were you trying to talk to me for long?”

“I called your name a couple of times, but your eyes were stuck on Hoseok-hyung. You seemed completely out of it.”

“Yeah…I’m sorry. I was thinking about something.”

Changkyun looks at Hoseok and then back at Kihyun.

“Are things with Hoseok-hyung okay?”

“What?”

Changkyun seems to be picking his next words carefully.

“You seem… pretty distant. You guys haven’t talked in days. I know that we’re busy, but I was surprised, this had never happened before.”

Shit. So maybe he had been avoiding Hoseok a lot more than he thought. This is bad.

“No, Changkyun, everything’s okay. Or at least I think so. It’s just because we’re busy, I didn’t have the time to talk to him properly lately. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay.” Changkyun doesn’t seem convinced but he lets it go for now. “We’re landing soon by the way. We should get ready.”

Kihyun looks around and sees that everyone has started packing their things and put their belts back on. He does the same.

“Thank you, Changkyun.”

“No problem, hyung. Are we sharing a room in Moscow?”

“Why not, it’s been a while. Let’s talk about it with the others when we land.”

“’Kaaaay.” Changkyun absentmindedly sings.

Kihyun takes another deep breath and looks at Hoseok again. The older has taken medicine for his acrophobia to be able to withstand the flight. He’s now feeding of Hyungwon’s body warmth, saying something to make the younger laugh.

Kihyun smiles fondly at the sight. He thinks that he probably needs to have a talk with Hoseok soon and, as the plane lands, he picks his bag up, ready to get off and greet their fans that are waiting for them at the airport.


	2. Chapter 2

Kihyun lets the hot water run down his back. He stretches his neck with his eyes closed and his lips slightly parted and allows himself to relax. He can hear Changkyun ordering dinner to their room.

The ride from the airport had been smooth. The members and their manager had split up the rooms easily. No one minded Kihyun and Changkyun pairing up, so after dropping their things at their hotel they headed for their rehearsal. Now they were back, taking baths and eating dinner and spending their time till their concert tomorrow getting some rest.

Kihyun walks out of the shower, feeling his muscles relaxed and his body free of sweat. He takes a towel and after drying himself he gets out of the bathroom.

“Changkyun-ah, your turn.”

“Thanks, hyung. Do you need anything else from the bathroom?”

“No, I have my clothes here.”

“’Kaaaaay. By the way the food will be here soon.”

Kihyun hears the bathroom door close as he opens his suitcase and takes out his clothes. He has barely managed to throw a shirt over his head and a pair of sweatpants on his legs when he hears a knock on the door.

He opens the door expecting to see a hotel staff member bringing their dinner, so he’s surprised when he sees Hoseok standing there. The older stares at him for a second before talking.

“Hey, is Changkyunnie here?”

“He’s in the bathroom.”

“Oh, okay. Minhyuk said he wants to play cards so I came to let him know. Minhyuk is currently harassing Jooheon in their room.”

“What about Hyunwoo-hyung and Hyungwon?”

“They’re already asleep.”

“Oh.”

“You can join them, too, if you want. Although I know you’re not really fond of card games.”

Kihyun, who had been looking at anywhere but Hoseok’s eyes this entire time, dares to look at them. They’re sad, even though the older is definitely trying to hide it. He swallows hard. He then realises that they’re still standing at the door and takes a step back.

“Come in.”

Hoseok enters the room and closes the door behind him. He takes a good look at Kihyun who is now sitting on his bed and sits on Changkyun’s, opposite of him. Kihyun is troubled. He knows he shows it, too.

“I don’t have to stay.”

“It’s fine, he’ll get out of the bathroom in a bit. Aren’t you playing with the others?”

Hoseok shakes his head.

“Not really what I wanna do tonight.”

“What do you want to do?”

Kihyun can literally feel that this conversation is not… honest. He can feel how it’s just a front, an excuse so that they don’t say the things they’re thinking about right now. It annoys him. But he’s not annoyed with Hoseok. Hoseok’s just playing along with him. He’s annoyed with himself, because he doesn’t know what he really wants to say to him.

“Work.”

Not a lie, but not the entire truth either. He can tell. He wants to say he’s sorry, but doesn’t know what for. Avoiding him? But he doesn’t know why this happened either.

“You’re overworking yourself.”

“Aren’t we all?”

“You’re overdoing it, you’ll collapse.”

“I’m fine, Kihyun.”

He can hear Hoseok’s irritation in his voice. His tiredness. He’s tired, too.

“Were you writing lyrics on the plane?”

Hoseok shoots his head up and looks at him.

“I was.”

Kihyun’s face softens.

“I’m glad.”

Hoseok’s eyes stay on him. He takes a deep breath.

“Are… Are things different between us? Did something change?”

Kihyun freezes. He doesn’t know what to answer. He wants to say “No” but he just can’t. He sees Hoseok licking his lips averting his eyes and he somehow finds himself thinking about how that’s a thing Hoseok always does when he’s thinking about something seriously. Then Hoseok looks back at him and he’s brought back to reality.

“I’ve been …feeling weird lately, ever since my photo was leaked. I thought it was all in my head but Hyungwon noticed it, too. He asked me about my new song and was surprised when he found out that you hadn’t.”

Kihyun is mortified. He can see that Hoseok is hurt and he knows it’s his fault.

“Hyun-“

“And you not replying to my question basically confirmed it.” Hoseok interrupts him, “Can you tell me why?”

Kihyun still doesn’t know how to answer so he says the only thing he knows he wants to say.

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“Avoiding you. Honestly, I hadn’t realised I was doing it. I’m really sorry. I didn’t want to make you feel like this.”

Hoseok takes a deep breath but doesn’t avert his gaze from Kihyun’s.

“What did you want then?”

“…I don’t know. I’m sorry. To think, I guess?”

“Something about me? Because you were okay with the others.”

“Uh… not exactly.”

Hoseok’s face for the first time actually hardens.

“Kihyunnie” (and maybe Kihyun’s heart right now is extremely warm because Hoseok is still calling him that, in the middle of a conversation like this) “I really need you to be honest with me. Is the fact that I’m bi troubling you? Do you have a… problem with that? Or do you just think that I’m unreliable since the whole leak thing happened?”

Kihyun can see that Hoseok braces himself to be hurt even more. He can see that he expects him to say at the very least that he’s not comfortable with his sexuality. And he knows that the second option can hurt him just as much. So he takes a deep breath and looks at him straight in the eye.

“No. Neither of those things.”

Hoseok is ready to speak again but this time it’s Kihyun that interrupts him.

“Hyung, I’m sorry. I know my attitude towards you wasn’t the best. I’m really sorry I hurt you. But my opinion on you would never change over something like this. Your sexuality… has nothing to do with me, but I don’t have a problem with it either. I don’t mind. I really don’t. You’re exactly the same person you were before, how could I mind? And I would never consider you unreliable. I know I haven’t shown it lately, and I know that we tease you a lot for acting like a baby” Kihyun smiles fondly at the thought of that “but everyone knows they can depend on you when needed. Everyone depends on you when needed, and you have never failed us.”

Surprise is written all over Hoseok’s face. He averts his gaze and bites his lips, and when he looks back at Kihyun the younger is still looking at him, sincerity evident in his eyes.

“Thank you.”

Kihyun is certain he has never heard such a small voice coming from Hoseok before.

“Can I ask… what happened the previous days, then?”

“Honestly, hyung, I don’t know. Being super busy might have played a part in it, but I know for sure that I wasn’t annoyed with you.”

“Then what were you?”

Kihyun shrugs.

“Surprised? Which doesn’t make any sense either, because, just like Minhyuk said, you never really hid it. I guess I was trying to figure out why I hadn’t noticed?”

Hoseok cracks half a smile and his eyes are warm and playful and Kihyun swears he’s never seen him this adorable before, not because he hasn’t been like this before, but because this time it was an expression that he genuinely directed to him and that-

“Is this a thing you’re supposed to notice if you don’t care about it?” Hoseok interrupts his thoughts and Kihyun laughs awkwardly rubbing his nape with his hand. What was he even thinking about? Hoseok tilts his head still looking at him.

“I guess not? I don’t know. But I might have been annoyed at myself for not paying enough attention to you? I mean, I’m the only one who didn’t expect it. Actually “didn’t expect it” isn’t the right phrasing. I think “hadn’t thought about it” is. Anyway, no matter what that was, the point is that I’m totally okay with it. And like I said, something like that could never make mε change my opinion on you. And I’m sorry for acting weirdly.”

Hoseok’s eyes now have a strange look, one that he doesn’t recognise. It makes him feel uneasy, but he swallows the feeling down. He doesn’t need uneasiness right now. He doesn’t need doubts. Doubts about what? He meant everything he had said to Hoseok.

In the end, Hoseok just lets a breath out and smiles.

“Alright. But I’d like to know if something’s troubling you. Let me know if there’s anything I can help you with.”

“Thanks, hyung. I know, and I really appreciate it. And I really want to listen to that new song of yours, by the way.”

Hoseok’s smile widens but before he has a chance to talk again there’s a knock on the door.

“Talk about timing” Kihyun murmurs while answering the door and letting the waiter bring the dinner in, and Hoseok laughs. Kihyun doesn’t really understand why he instantly feels his heart lighter and warmer, but he assumes it’s out of relief that things are back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hint: Relief is not the word (or feeling) to blame for his fluttering heart.  
> Kudos to Changkyun who heard Hoseok and stayed in the bathroom long enough for them to talk, he’s kinda cold by now.


	3. Chapter 3

Kihyun rubs his hands waiting for the traffic light to turn green for the pedestrians. It’s already October and the cold at night is no joke. It’s been almost two months since that night at Moscow and Monsta X are currently frantically preparing for their comeback.

He walks down the all too familiar alley and feels a bit relieved upon seeing his destination. He knows he’s a bit late so he runs the last meters there and enters.

Min Yoongi’s favourite café to hang around is a bit like him. Kihyun realised this from the very first time he stepped foot inside. It’s not located close to a main road and the building from the outside seems cold and uninviting. But once you enter the scent of the freshly-brewed coffee and the hot chocolate warms you up instantly.

The space near the entrance is narrow, with only the bar placed there, along with the stairs that lead to the second floor. Kihyun smiles at the barista and places his order, asking him if he has seen his friend arrive. He gets a positive response and a cup of strawberry scented tea and heads upstairs.

The second floor is bigger than the first, big enough to fit several tables, of which only two are currently occupied. The walls, just like downstairs, are painted a warm brown colour and on the wall opposite to the windows there are framed photos in different sizes, all of them of smiling faces, the owner’s personal collection. Kihyun never got to ask her who these people were.

The small man takes a quick look around and spots his best friend tucked in the corner table scrolling down on his phone. He walks up to him and takes the seat opposite to him.

“You’re late.”

“Sorry, hyung. Practice took longer than expected. How are you?”

“Ignoring reality for a couple of hours, to be honest. How are you?”

“Honestly, same. I’m lucky I had some time to drop by, we have no days off during this time of year.”

“I hear you’re preparing for a comeback.”

“We are.”

“I’ll send you flowers.”

Kihyun smiles warmly, holding his cup in his tiny hands.

“Thank you, hyung. Congratulations on your lates-“

Yoongi cuts him off with a glare. Right. Ignoring reality.

“Sorry. Any news? How have you been? It’s been a while since we last met.”

“And it’ll probably be a while till we meet again. No life, no news. It’s a dead period for our personal lives and I’m just waiting to get some sleep.” says the rapper while yawning and stretching his arms.

“I know what you mean, hyung. I don’t know how we got lucky enough to have tonight off, but all the other members are crashing somewhere. Hyunwoo-hyung is sleeping over at his parents’ house tonight, Changkyun-ah went to his studio and the others are probably at the dorms.”

“Didn’t you want to get any rest?”

“I did, but…” Kihyun can’t help a small smile “I kinda missed you. We won’t have another chance like this soon.”

He doesn’t miss the older mirroring his smile behind his cup of coffee.

Kihyun likes spending time with Yoongi. The latter seems to like it, too. They kinda clicked together from the beginning. Be it for fun or for more serious issues, they were always there for each other.

They spend the next hour talking about nothing in particular, allowing themselves to relax. In this small café they never have to worry about being followed or filmed. Its position and style allowed it to have a discreet clientele, giving the chance to the young idols to feel at ease.

“So, will you tell me what’s up?”

Kihyun frowns.

“What do you mean, hyung?”

“Kihyun-ah. You can’t lie to me. Something’s bothering you.”

Kihyun’s shoulders drop.

“It’s… it’s nothing really. Don’t worry about it, hyung.”

“I’ll decide if it’s worth worrying about after I listen to it. But you’re troubled, I can see it. I could hear it on the phone every time we spoke during the last two months. Your mind is always away.”

Kihyun sighs.

“It’s not really something I know how to explain.”

“Is it about your Hoseok?”

“How did you- wait, what do you mean mine?”

“I mean not ours. So?”

“Oh. Yes, but, how did you know?”

“He came out, didn’t he?”

Kihyun just blankly stares at him and Yoongi smirks.

“Personal trainer, my ass. He’s lucky he got away with it like that.”

“Of course, you realised it from that. I don’t know, hyung, he said he’s bi, it’s not like I have a problem with it, I just felt… weird.”

“Weird how?”

“I don’t know. At first I avoided him without realising, but then we talked it out and now we’re… we’re okay, we’re back to normal.”

“That didn’t sound very convincing.”

“We’re back to normal, but we’re not. Like, there’s more? But nothing specific.”

Yoongi narrows his eyes at Kihyun while the younger is getting flustered trying to explain.

“He’s always being clingy and affectionate, but now there’s just something in the air.”

“Coming from him?”

Kihyun nods.

“From both of us, I think.”

“Tension?”

“What kind of tension?”

“You tell me.”

“I don’t understand. Why would there be tension?”

“Then what is there?”

“Nothing. Just, something. I don’t know how to explain it. Like, our hands might touch and it feels a bit warmer than before. Of he might try to kiss me but his lips will be tenderer than before.”

Yoongi raises his eyebrows.

“Don’t look at me like that, you know how we are. Hoseok-hyung kisses everyone.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

“Me?” Kihyun frowns again. “Why would I feel anything regarding that?”

“Okay, let’s say that you don’t. What else?”

“I don’t know, all these small things. He always did them, even pre-debut. He always took care of me or praised me constantly, but it feels… different. It feels more real. Not that I thought that he didn’t mean those things before… it’s just… “

Kihyun stops talking, his mind wandering away.

“Like when he called you “his prince, Kihyunnie” last month?”

“How do you even know about that?”

“What do you think I do on my free time? I know which ships to follow to find good fanfiction.”

“H-Hyung!”

Kihyun is bewildered. Yoongi shrugs.

“Some of them are really good. I enjoy them, that’s all.”

“You enjoy reading about your friends having sex?”

Yoongi seems borderline offended.

“I don’t only read smut. I like fluff.”

“That’s not the point!”

“You’re right, the point is you and Hoseok.”

Kihyun takes a deep breath but before he has a chance to reply Yoongi speaks again.

“Kihyun-ah, are you sure you’re straight?”

“What?” Kihyun’s wrinkles between his eyebrows are deeper than ever. “Of course I am.”

 “A lot of people think that they are, but they aren’t. I was one of the lucky ones, I realised it when I was really young. But I know people older than me right now that haven’t come to terms with it.”

“And what does that have to do with me?”

“I was just thinking.”

“About what? Because we were just talking about my situation with Hoseok-hyung.”

“Exactly.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Kihyun-ah, have you thought that he might like you?”

Kihyun’s eyes widen in shock.

“Hoseok-hyung? Like me?”

Yoongi nods.

“Where did that come from? He treats me like everyone else.”

“Does he?”

Kihyun hesitates. He takes a moment to think about it.

In all fairness, Kihyun knows that Hoseok has a soft spot for him. He lowers his head and bites his lips, takes a sip from his tea and hesitantly looks up at Yoongi who has been patiently waiting.

“He likes me too much. I know that. He shows it, too. But I mean it that it’s not just with me. He’s a bit different with everyone.”

Yoongi nods. “Okay. Wanna tell me how he is with you?”

Kihyun is lost. “How do I even…?”

“You mentioned that there’s just something in the air. Something you couldn’t pin-point. Wanna tell me occasions when you felt like that?”

Kihyun’s small fingers tighten around his mug and he starts talking slowly.

“It’s not the skin-ship. He does that with everyone and honestly, I don’t mind. Like, a few months ago, during our Beautiful promotions, he kissed my ear during a fan-sign…”

Kihyun’s voice fades out and he blushes but Yoongi seems unfazed.

“Yeah, I’ve seen that one, made your shippers explode. He was super clingy that day, wasn’t he?”

“Why do you even know about how the… the shippers reacted to that?”

“I told you, I know which ships to follow. Don’t ask more if you don’t wanna know.”

Kihyun swallows his next question and goes back to their conversation.

“…Yeah. He was very clingy that day. He wouldn’t stop hugging Jooheon either. And that night he wanted to sleep on Hyunwoo-hyung’s bed but so did Minhyuk and he ended up sleeping with Changkyun, he didn’t want to sleep alone.”

Yoongi now looks at him with a blank face.

“I shouldn’t even be surprised, I don’t know why I am.”

“Basically me when Hoseok-hyung came out.”

They both chuckle at that and then Yoongi presses on.

“And?”

“And…. He did something similar lately. Back then I just played around a bit, and I needed to sign something so I pretended to draw on his face and he went back to Jooheon. But he did something like that when we were at the studio the other day.”

“And what’s so strange about that?”

“…my voice cracked.”

Yoongi once again blankly stares at him.

“Are you shitting me right now?”

“No, hyung, I mean, I was singing, I was trying to sing, it was his song, I was there because he had asked me to, I was singing it and he was next to me and-“

“Kihyun, stop. Breathe. Slow down.”

A very visibly flustered Kihyun stops talking (and moving his hands around) and that’s when Yoongi’s phone rings. The rapper takes a look at the screen and answers it.

“Hey, what’s up. No, I’ll probably be a little late. I know. No, Kihyun-ah is contemplating young love.” Kihyun almost chokes on his tea. “No philosophical shit at this time of the night, Namjoon. Yeah, I’ll make sure to tell him. No, I’m not telling Jin-hyung that you broke it, tell him yourself. Goodnight.”

Yoongi hangs up and it takes a moment and a poke from the older’s finger for Kihyun to be brought back to reality.

“Did Namjoon-ah break something again?”

“He’s a hopeless man, we don’t talk about hopeless people.”

“Did he say something for me?”

“He did, but he’s a hopeless man so we don’t care.”

“Come on, hyung.” Kihyun replies laughing.

“Don’t question your hyung.”

Kihyun stares at him for a while, still giggling, but soon he gives up.

“So, what happened at the studio?”

The younger’s face almost drops on the floor.

“You won’t let it go, will you?”

As Yoongi shakes his head smirking, Kihyun rubs his eyes with his hands and goes back to talking.

“He had written a duet he performed with Hyungwon on the tour. It’s called From Zero.”

“That’s nice, at least they let him show a part of his music now. Was it good?”

“Yes, hyung, it was very good!” Kihyun’s reply is full of enthusiasm for a change and the older smiles fondly.

“So, one night he said that he wanted to try something and asked me to record a part of the song. At first he said one verse, but we ended up recording most of it. He said he needed it so he asked for my help. I didn’t mind, I actually liked it so I just went along with it.

Towards the end of the recording, he leaned in, close to my ear. He didn’t hug me or anything like that, he didn’t touch me at all, he just leaned in and whispered “Good job” before pulling back again.”

“So? Is that something he doesn’t do?”

“It was… different. He’s usually very touchy, he didn’t do anything like that that night. I left shortly after that, but he stayed back by himself.”

“And how did you feel?”

Kihyun is taken aback.

“How did I feel? But… it was him who…”

“Kihyun-ah, you said that that weird feeling was coming from the both of you. That wasn’t his usual clinginess. How did you feel about that?”

“...Worried?”

Kihyun isn’t looking at Yoongi. His eyes are on the table, but he’s not looking there either, not really. What was he feeling at the time? Was he really just worried? He looks back on that night, reliving it in his mind.

In reality, Hoseok didn’t pull back completely. His face stayed close to Kihyun’s. Kihyun had looked back at him, their eyes had locked. Kihyun remembers his mind going blank for a few seconds. He remembers looking at Hoseok’s face and the older looking back at him with the same intensity. He remembers feeling unable to breathe, but then it was all over so soon, Hoseok pulling back and gathering the music sheets with a sigh. When Kihyun had tried to sing the next part, his voice had cracked, and Hoseok, thinking that he had tired him out, sent him home.

“I was worried.” Kihyun says again, not as a question this time, but his voice is betraying him. He doesn’t believe it. But he is trying to, he is trying to convince himself that that was all it was. What else could it have been?

Yoongi doesn’t say anything in return. He looks at his friend deep in thought. They stay in that awkward silence for a couple of minutes.

“Hey, Kihyun-ah, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, hyung.”

“What were you thinking when you were avoiding him?”

“I… I wasn’t. I didn’t realise I was doing it-“

“No no, I didn’t mean “why did you decide to avoid him”. I meant literally “what were you thinking about” during those days.”

“…About him. About why I hadn’t realised it, even though he had basically said it but in different wording.”

“Why hadn’t you?”

“I don’t know.”

Kihyun feels weird. Yoongi is serious, he rarely sees him this serious. It somehow feels like he’s scolding him, but at the same time he isn’t. He doesn’t know what to make of it.

“You guys talked about it, right?” Kihyun nods. “How did Hoseok feel at the time?”

“Hurt. He didn’t have to say it, I could see it. And he was worried that I wouldn’t accept him.”

“But there was never such a chance, was there?”

“No! Never!” Kihyun is a little too worried this time. His answer is immediate and more passionate that he thought it would be. Yoongi smiles.

“I’m not accusing you of anything, Kihyun-ah. I have my reasons for asking these things. But you can stop answering if it makes you feel uncomfortable.”

Kihyun takes a few seconds to think about it. A small smile appears on his lips.

“No, hyung, it’s okay. I know you mean well. And I’m also aware of the fact that this is also a sensitive matter to you, too. So if you find my behaviour inappropriate, please tell me.”

“You worry too much about that. I don’t know what’s happening with Hoseok, but I know that you’re not homophobic. I hope you figure this out eventually.”

Kihyun just nods at this. Figure what out? What’s “this”? The “tension”, as Yoongi had called it? That feeling that was troubling him?

“By the way, Namjoon said to stop overthinking things and be open-minded. And I agree with him.”

“You’re telling me this now? After all of this time we spent talking about it?”

Yoongi’s smirk is once again visible from behind his cup.

“I needed something to keep me entertained.”

“You son of a-“

Yoongi raises an eyebrow at an exasperated Kihyun, and the duo ends up laughing together.

 

A couple of hours later Kihyun is heading back to the dorms. He checks his watch, it’s way too late. The young vocalist thinks back to his time with Yoongi, it really flew by without either of them realising it. Kihyun doesn’t regret it, but he can’t help but feel a little sorry for himself that he doesn’t have enough time to get some proper rest.

He enters the dorms as quietly as he can. He turns on the hall lights and gets in the kitchen. Someone had cooked. He spots the pan in the sink and the remains of the food on a plate in the fridge. He decides he’ll clean everything he wants to in the morning and heads towards the bedrooms.

He checks the hyungs’ bedroom first. He opens the door but from the light coming from the window he can tell that no one’s there. Opening the door to his own bedroom he realises that Minhyuk had abducted Hyungwon and they are sleeping on the older’s bed. Jooheon is in his own, slightly snoring.

Kihyun remembers that Hyunwoo is at his parents’ tonight and he thinks that Changkyun is probably staying at his studio. But where’s Hoseok?

Realising that he didn’t check the living room he heads there, only to see a sleeping Hoseok on the sofa, a pile of music sheets and a few empty beers next to him. He gently reaches down and pokes his shoulder.

The older doesn’t react that much, hugging the stuffed bunny in his arms a little tighter. Kihyun thinks that he really is a child sometimes and pets his hair a bit. Then Hoseok slowly opens his eyes and Kihyun notices that he’s much closer to his face than he remembers being. He tries to pull back but Hoseok’s hand is on his cheek.

“Kihyunnie…”

Kihyun doesn’t dare move.

“I’m back.”

“What time is it?”

“It’s late, we have to get up in 3 hours.”

Hoseok takes a better look at him.

“You didn’t sleep at all?”

“No, I was out.”

Hoseok frowns.

“That was stupid of you.”

“I don’t wanna hear that from you, you probably fell asleep while working not too long ago.”

“I was waiting for you. There’s food in the fridge.”

Kihyun stops breathing for a second, feeling something warming up his heart. He offers Hoseok his hand to help him get up.

“I’ve already eaten. You need to sleep in your bed.”

Hoseok looks at the empty cans next to him.

“I’ll take care of that tomorrow. Come on.” Kihyun tells him while tugging his hand.

Hoseok gets up and they head to the empty bedroom. Kihyun only lets go of his hand when Hoseok’s tucked in his bed. He doesn’t know what drives him to do it, but he leans down and presses a small kiss near the older’s hairline.

“Can you sleep here tonight? I don’t want to sleep alone.”

Hoseok pouts and Kihyun swears he doesn’t know how he gets even more adorable every time. He smiles and promises to come and sleep on Hyunwoo’s bed as soon as he gets changed.

Roughly fifteen minutes later Kihyun’s in the leader’s bed and Hoseok has drifted back to sleep. Kihyun watches him, thinking about his conversation with Yoongi earlier.

_“Kihyun-ah, have you thought that he might like you?”_

Yoongi’s voice is ringing in his ears. His mind recalls Namjoon’s advice, but he can’t help but think, over and over again, about that question. He ends up falling asleep half an hour later, having played the conversation in his head and finding himself troubled about the last question.

“Worried” he murmurs before the sleepiness completely takes him over “just worried.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To quote [mashmash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mashmash):  
> "Yoongi is the bisexual god we all love and worship"


	4. Chapter 4

_171114\. Monsta X receive their 1 st win with Dramarama._

Kihyun is shocked. Everyone is. Hyunwoo can’t speak. Hyungwon cries. Oh, he cries so much. They all do. Someone speaks. It’s Jooheon. Jooheonnie, who gets scared easily, who’s like a child, who gets teased so much by the members (especially Minhyuk) because his reactions are just too funny to resist, who’s always serious when he has to be.

Backstage, there’s even more crying. They don’t know what to do, they just want to thank everyone. Everyone’s bawling. They hug each other, they cry together, they play with the trophy in their hands just to feel that it’s real.

They go live. They give a full bow to their fans. They make sure to show their gratitude. They hug each other more. They cry a lot more.

The cameras are recording, but not for long. They know there’s gonna be a video about this in the future, their company always makes sure to have enough footage to release on birthdays, anniversaries, any chance given to be honest. They make sure to give back to the fans every time they receive their love. And they receive a lot of love. They’re happy.

They go back to their dorms late that night, but no one is over the initial shock. They can’t talk much. They’re moved, they’re excited, they’re content, everything at once.

Sometime later Kihyun is the only one up. The others have gone to bed, quiet for the first time in a while. But Kihyun feels on edge. He can’t sleep, so he does what he usually does to occupy and distract himself. He cleans.

Minhyuk had stayed with him for a while, but they barely talked, still too overwhelmed. Now Kihyun’s in the kitchen alone, the other sleeping on top of Hyunwoo, the two holding each other tightly. So Kihyun’s surprised when he hears the door open. He turns around and sees Hoseok, in nothing but his boxers, looking at him with a small frown.

“I thought you were sleeping.”

“I was, woke up to drink some water. Why are you still up?”

“Can’t sleep.”

Kihyun turns back to cleaning the kitchen counter while Hoseok takes a glass, fills it with water and drinks. He washes the glass immediately instead of just placing it on the counter and Kihyun smiles. That’s not something the older usually does, and he knows he did it now in order to not keep the younger up any longer.

But then Kihyun feels two hands on his shoulders and almost forgets to breathe. Hoseok kisses the back of his head while massaging his shoulders and the main vocal tries really hard to resume his activity but he’s suddenly not so sure about what he was doing in the first place. Hoseok lets go of his shoulders and takes the sponge away from Kihyun’s hands.

“Everything’s clean, Kihyunnie. You should rest.”

“I told you, I can’t.”

“You didn’t even try, you’re still wearing your clothes from earlier.”

“I’m hyperactive right now, I wouldn’t be able to sit still in a bed.”

Hoseok makes Kihyun turn around and cups his face. Kihyun is certain that the reason why he can’t take his eyes off of his hyung is because he’s exhausted and can’t concentrate on anything that’s more than half a meter away from him right now –and Hoseok is closer, much closer.

“You’re tired, you’d probably fall sleep as soon as your head met your pillow.”

“How would you know that” Kihyun mumbles defensively. Hoseok just smiles.

“I know you better than anyone, Kihyunnie. Even better than Minhyuk who has spent so much time with you.”

Maybe it’s because Kihyun’s tired, maybe it’s because he doesn’t have the strength to overthink anything or stop himself. But he leans in and rests his forehead on Hoseok’s and if Hoseok’s surprised he doesn’t show it. He just hugs his slim waist.

Kihyun’s head falls on the other’s shoulder and his small hands are on his bare chest. He feels Hoseok’s fingers playing with his hair softly and he just knows that there’s a smile on the older’s face. He pulls back only to confirm that thought, but he’s somehow unable to smile back.

“You should go back to bed.”

“I’ll go when you go.”

“Now you’re just being a kid.”

“My specialty.”

Kihyun really can’t fight back a chuckle this time. He really loves his hyung too much. But he can no longer ignore reality, a part of it at least. What is he doing? Why is he looking at Hoseok so intimately, why is he letting the other hold him like that? This exceeds Hoseok’s neediness and casual displays of affection. And that scares him.

He gulps and pulls back almost too quickly. Once again, if Hoseok notices anything then he doesn’t comment on it, which is weird considering the fact that Hoseok’s always too expressive about what he’s thinking or feeling. He thought he knew him too well, but lately he’s been proven wrong again and again.

He turns around, takes 30” to put everything back into place and then smiles tiredly to Hoseok.

“Let’s go. We’re busy tomorrow, too.”

“Asia Artist Awards. Good luck to us.”

Hoseok makes a peace sign and Kihyun joins him, more out of habit than anything else. His idol persona switches on on reflex sometimes and he’s so grateful for that.

They head to their bedrooms, Hoseok whispering “Goodnight, Kihyunnie” and Kihyun just smiling in return before they both disappear behind their doors. Kihyun decides that there’s no point in thinking about anything right now. He gets undressed, slides in his bed and falls asleep within seconds.

 

 

Six days later, on a day the Monsta X members don’t have any public appearances scheduled, Kihyun is late for group practice. Hyunwoo checks that he has successfully attended most of his solo classes, but his vocal coach tells him that he left earlier than usual because he couldn’t focus. Kihyun isn’t one to not be focused on singing, so assuming that it was something important he let him go.

Their manager calls him, but he doesn’t answer. Changkyun and Jooheon check the Starship building and Minhyuk says that they should check the dorms, too. Hyunwoo decides that they can’t lose more time and asks their manager to check instead. When he calls them to tell them that he didn’t find him anywhere, Hoseok gets out of the practice room to call Kihyun again. This time, Kihyun answers.

“H-Hello? Hyung?”

“Kihyunnie? Where are you, are you okay?”

“I’m fiiiine why wouldn’t I be? I’m fine, right?” a pause “Yeap, I checked myself, totally fine.”

Something wasn’t right. Kihyun was too loud and too childish, even for his standards. Just like when he was…

“Kihyunnie, are you drunk?”

“Hm? I might be, I don’t know. Do you think I’m drunk?”

Hoseok resists the urge to facepalm and talks quietly and urgently.

“Where are you? You were supposed to come to practice.”

“Oh? It’s that time already?”

“It’s way over that time, you’re really late. We have been practicing for over an hour now, not counting the time we spent looking for you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t real-“ hiccup “-lise that much time passed. I’ll come now.” There is the sound of a chair moving, then another one of something Hoseok can’t identify. Then Kihyun’s giggle.

“Hyuuung. It spins. It’s fun.”

“Oh my god… Where are you? I’ll tell the manager to pick you up.”

“Noooooooooooo” Kihyun’s whine is baby-ish, Hoseok can almost see his pout. He can’t fight back a smile. “Not the manager. He’ll scold me. I don’t like being scolded.”

“You deserve it.” Hoseok’s voice contains no venom, and Kihyun somehow picks that up.

“You’re not mad at me, are you, hyung? I knew you wouldn’t be. You’re never mad at me.”

“Sometimes I am.” Hoseok’s voice is so small, Kihyun’s unable to hear him.

“What? What did you say?”

“Nothing. Where are you? I’ll pick you up myself.”

“I knew it! You’re so cute, hyuuung.”

Hoseok sighs. Kihyun really is a handful sometimes. Not that he minds. He notes the address Kihyun gives him and checks it on his google maps. It’s not very far from there. He informs the others that Kihyun answered his phone and that he asked Hoseok to pick him up. Hyunwoo frowns, but agrees without asking much.

Hoseok is no idiot. He acts like one, he can be childish, naive, immature, oblivious, but in reality he’s fully capable of being the exact opposite. And now he knows, he understands that Hyunwoo has noticed something and knows that he hasn’t said anything because he trusts them to not do anything reckless. Hoseok doesn’t want to break that trust. And he knows that Kihyun doesn’t want to break it either. So what is he doing now?

Hoseok finds Kihyun exactly where he told him he was and is only a little bit surprised that the younger is very vividly explaining to the owner why she should allow him to drink more. Or at least he is trying, because nothing he says actually makes sense. The owner seems tired, but she keeps looking at him and nodding until she spots Hoseok walking towards her.

“I’m really sorry, ma’am, has he caused you any trouble?” Hoseok bows.

“Not really, he’s just really talkative. Are you “Hoseok-hyung”? He said you’d come and asked me to keep him company until then.”

“Yes that’s hiiim. Hyung I’m so glad you caaaame.” Kihyun rests his head on Hoseok who’s standing next to him. Hoseok sighs, pays the owner and thanks her, apologising again.

“Hyung hyung hyung hyung hyung” Kihyun sings and giggles.

Hoseok helps him get up and without saying much calls them a taxi. When they get in he calls Hyunwoo.

“Hey, it’s me. Yes, I found him. He’s fine but… He can’t come to practice right now.”

“Hyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuung I’m sorry for skippiiiing, I didn’t mean tooooo” Kihyun’s whiny voice is heard by the other side of the line and Hyunwoo, giving up, says that they can go home, asking Hoseok to take care of him. Hoseok agrees and hangs up.

Guiding Kihyun to the dorms requires a lot of patience and after a while Hoseok just gives up and carries Kihyun on his back. As soon as they get in Kihyun says that he wants to take a shower. Hoseok groans but Kihyun puts his puppy eyes into use, which makes Hoseok wonder how much the younger drank.

He ends up undressing him and letting him get into the bathtub, but seeing him still wobbly he decides to stay close to him, so he closes the toilet lid and sits there.

Kihyun is singing and washing himself, but then he suddenly stops. He pulls the shower curtain a bit, and looking at Hoseok straight in the eye he talks.

“What are you doing?”

“Making sure you won’t hurt yourself.” Hoseok nonchalantly answers.

“You should take a shower with me.”

Hoseok’s eyes widen.

“What?”

“You should take a shower with me. We haven’t showered together since our pre-debut days.”

Hoseok visibly gulps.

“Is there a reason you want to do that?”

Kihyun shrugs.

“Just feeling like it.”

Hoseok just blankly stares at him. Kihyun pouts.

“If you don’t join me I’ll make you wet.”

Hoseok almost chokes on his own saliva and Kihyun giggles.

“Will you come in or will I have to throw water on you?”

Hoseok covers his eyes with his hands.

“You’ll be the death of me. Do you even pay attention to what you’re saying?”

Kihyun just laughs some more and throws Hoseok a small amount of water. He really is a handful. In all honesty, had Kihyun been sober Hoseok would have joined him without a second thought. But he’s not, and Hoseok is overly aware of how badly this could end, has he read the signs correctly. But then he feels his hand being tugged. He looks up and Kihyun is using his puppy eyes again.

“Pleeaase? Come on, hyung. I’ll even wash your back.”

“You’re not helping.”

But in the end, Kihyun is Kihyun, and Hoseok agrees to at least help him wash himself. Kihyun is not satisfied and he makes sure to show it by throwing more and more water on the older. Hoseok helps him finish taking his shower and get dressed. Then he gets changed himself to get rid of his wet clothes.

“Hyung?” Kihyun’s on his bed when he’s done.

“Yes?”

“Are you really sad that we didn’t go on that bike trip you wanted us to go?”

Hoseok shoots his head up surprised.

“Why were you thinking about that?”

“I just was.”

Hoseok sits next to him.

“I really wanted us to go. We haven’t done a lot of things the two of us since we debuted. I mean, I love the others, too, and I like spending time with them… but you’re…”

“…Yes?”

“You’re Kihyunnie.” Hoseok simply says.

Kihyun smiles and stares at the wall in front of him.

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I don’t know if I’ve ever shown you how much I appreciate all the things you do for me. You’re always there, hyung. Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I’m your hyung, I’m supposed to do those things.”

“Is that all there is to it?”

“What?”

Kihyun turns his head to look at him again.

“It’s always so warm near you. You always make sure to give me everything. You compliment me so much and you shower me with affection all the time.”

“That’s just who I am as a person.”

“But… it feels more intimate than that…”

Hoseok holds his breath. Were they this close before? His face was only a few inches away from Kihyun’s, and yet he couldn’t pull back. He couldn’t avert his gaze from Kihyun’s. Maybe he didn’t really want to either.

“Hyung, do you like me?”

Kihyun watches Hoseok swallow hard again. Hoseok takes a few seconds to reply.

“I do those things because I care about you.”

Kihyun leans in a bit more and asks again.

“Do you like me?”

Kihyun can see Hoseok’s Adam’s apple bobbing. And he’s very obviously still drunk, so he doesn’t think much about his next move. When Hoseok doesn’t answer, he closes the distance between them and kisses him.

But he’s still drunk, so he misses a bit. He only manages to kiss Hoseok’s upper lip. It’s a soft kiss and it ends too quickly. When he pulls back, Hoseok looks at him dumbfounded.

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing?” he whispers. “You’re so drunk, oh my god.”

But then Kihyun leans in and kisses him again and this time his aim is perfect. He brings his hands on Hoseok’s chest and he can feel the older giving in. He can feel him kissing him back. He can feel him sighing against his lips. He can feel his arms around his waist. They naturally lie on the bed, still kissing each other, softly biting, making out. Kihyun falls asleep in Hoseok’s arms.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning Kihyun wakes up really early. He can tell because when he opens his eyes he notices that the light from the outside is not as bright as it usually is when he wakes up. And it takes only a couple of seconds for the headache to kick in.

He instinctively brings a hand up to his forehead and tries to get up. But something is wrong. Actually, not wrong, just different. For the first time since he woke up he actually pays attention to his surroundings.

Hoseok is sleeping next to him. That’s not exactly a first-time experience, but Kihyun knows what’s different this time. He remembers what happened last night. He looks at Hoseok sleeping, his hair messy, his face puffy from sleeping, one hand loosely around his waist. He panics.

How, just how did this happen? How did he allow it to happen? He definitely wasn’t on his right mind when he was drunk. Why would he kiss Hoseok? Why would he ask him if he liked him? This is ridiculous. Ridiculous and dangerous.

He slowly gets up, careful not to wake up the older. He looks around and sees that the other members have come back and are sleeping in their beds. He takes one last look at Hoseok and unconsciously leans down a bit and makes sure to cover him with the blanket. He gets out of the room as fast and quiet as he can.

After throwing some water on his face he stares at himself in the bathroom mirror. He really fucked up. Why the fuck did he have to kiss Hoseok while he was drunk? It didn’t make any sense to him. Why had he gotten drunk in the first place?

Oh. He was thinking about Hoseok. He was thinking about Hoseok so much that he couldn’t concentrate on his lessons. Who? Kihyun. Yoo Kihyun, who took pride in his work and his abilities, who never let anyone or anything overtake him. Because when he was with his music no one and nothing could compare, no one and nothing was above that.

So what happened? Why was he thinking about Hoseok so much? Was it because of what Yoongi had said? That maybe Hoseok likes him?

Hoseok likes him… The thought slowly kicks in. It’s probably true, judging from Hoseok’s reactions yesterday. He never said it, but he didn’t deny it either. Kihyun knows that this is serious. Even Yoongi could tell who has close to zero interactions with Hoseok.

So? What now? Kihyun’s mind drifts back to the sleeping Hoseok. He smiles at the fluffy image in his head. What? Why did he smile? Yoo Kihyun, get a grip of yourself. You don’t want this, this is dangerous. He’s a fellow member and a man for god’s sake.

A man. He’s a man. He kissed a man. For the first time in his life, he kissed a man. And he wanted to kiss him, he initiated it. Twice. No no no this is wrong. He’s not gay. He’s had girlfriends before, he knows he’s attracted to them.

Wait, does that mean that he’s bi? Like Yoongi? Like Hoseok?

The thought scares him. What if he is? What does he have to face now? He doesn’t like this, he doesn’t want this. It’s not him. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not him.

Then why did he kiss Hoseok? Perhaps out of curiosity. Yes, that’s more likely. He was curious and drunk and on an impulse he kissed him. Twice. These things happen. He’s sober now so he knows that that’s not him. That was the alcohol.

But Hoseok likes him. Hoseok likes him. His Hoseok. His precious hyung. Hoseok likes him. What now?

Kihyun realises he’s been staring at his reflection for a while now. His hands are holding the washbasin, his knuckles white from the strength he uses. He lets go.

There’s only one thing he can do. He can only tell Hoseok that it was a mistake, apologise and never let it happen again.

He looks at his reflection again. His face seems thinner than usual. He internally wonders if you can lose weight overnight, enough to be noticeable. He decides that’s it’s probably because he got worried again.

Worried about what? Hurting Hoseok? Probably. He hopes it won’t be that bad. He hopes it’s just a stupid crush that will pass. He ignores his heart clenching, recognising the obvious lie. He hopes Hoseok will just move on, like nothing ever happened.

He gets out of the bathroom only to see that Hoseok and Jooheon are in the living room, talking about a song. He didn’t hear them get up. He mumbles a “good morning” in reply to Jooheon’s greeting and gets in the kitchen. He ignores Hoseok. Hoseok doesn’t speak to him either. He can feel the older’s eyes on him, but he can’t face him now. He doesn’t understand why, but he can’t.

The rest of the day passes like that. Hoseok and Kihyun act normal around each other, except they aren’t. Everything’s fine in public, where people can see them, where fans are filming them and taking photos. They put on their happiest faces and do what they have to do. This is the year they achieved so many things after all. They can’t appear ungrateful. They can’t show that there’s something’s going on between the members either. Because there isn’t.

Except there is. Hoseok is distant. He’s the usual whiny baby when with the other members, but he avoids talking to Kihyun too much. The others notice it, too. Kihyun is the same. They only talk when they have to.

But now it’s almost Kihyun’s birthday. Kihyun knows what’s gonna happen. They’re gonna eat a cake together that they’ll mostly end up throwing at each other (Kihyun will have to clean that up afterwards) and each member will post wishes for Kihyun’s well-being on twitter, accompanied by fitting photos.

Kihyun knows he can’t avoid it, but he doesn’t want to have to face it as soon as the clock hits twelve. He decides he’ll go to bed early that night. Everything else can wait for tomorrow.

Getting in his bed, Kihyun is angry at himself. He was never the postponing kind of person. He was always very upfront. He doesn’t like what is happening now. But he also feels like he can’t help it. Or can he?

He pretends to be asleep, but he stays awake, thinking about everything and nothing at all. Going through the same thoughts over and over. He stays up long enough to see Hoseok’s post on twitter.

“Happy birthday, Kihyun. I wish you to have your pretty smile all the time!! (Kihyun went to bed after getting full from eating 4 tangerines)”

Kihyun smiles. He re-reads the tweet. Of course he doesn’t expect Hoseok to believe that that’s why he went to bed. After all Hoseok himself said that he knows Kihyun better than anyone. But he appreciates the older’s efforts. He appreciates his wishes and his compliments, too. He doesn’t know what to do.

Kihyun’s birthday passes without an incident and the following day the members don’t have any schedules apart from practice again. Kihyun stays focused on that all day long.

That night Kihyun’s the last person to go back to the dorms. He opens the door and sees Hoseok getting out of the kitchen.

“Hey.”

“…Hey. Still up?”

“I was waiting for you. Come in.” Hoseok’s head points to the kitchen.

“I’m not hungry.”

“We need to talk.”

Kihyun bites his lips and follows Hoseok inside, then watches him close the door and lean on it. He, on the other hand, leans on the counter. Hoseok once again licks his lips before he starts talking.

“About what happened the other day…”

“Can we… Can we forget about that?”

Hoseok tries to seem unaffected by Kihyun’s request.

“I figured you regretted it, but we can’t keep acting like this.”

“Like what?”

“Kihyun, don’t. You know what I’m talking about, everyone does, everyone has noticed. It’d be hard to miss.”

“Is that why you’re talking to me now? Did they tell you to do it?”

Hoseok takes a few seconds but he doesn’t take his eyes away from Kihyun. Kihyun is starting to get irritated, but he doesn’t understand why.

“I wanted to talk to you because I wanted to ask you something.”

“If I regretted it?”

“It’s obvious that you did. That’s not what I wanted to ask.”

“Then what?” Kihyun’s gaze meets Hoseok’s for the first time that day. Maybe for the first time since they kissed.

“Why did you kiss me?”

Kihyun freezes.

“…It was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done it. I asked you to forget about it.”

“I will. After you answer that. I want to know.”

“Know what? Why did I kiss you? Does it matter? I was drunk!”

“It does matter to me. I need to know if you kissed me because you wanted to or for some other reason.”

“What?”

Hoseok seems to be thinking a lot about his next words.

“Kihyun, do you… Do you have… feelings for me?”

Kihyun’s shocked. He stares at Hoseok who’s looking at him half-worried half-hopeful. His sincere eyes are scanning his face. Kihyun can’t bear to look anymore. He feels his breath speeding up and he turns his back to Hoseok.

“Why would you think that” voice barely above a whisper.

“Why did you ask me if I liked you? Because you asked me first. And then you kissed me. Why did you kiss me, Kihyun?”

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean to…”

“You did it twice, what do you mean…?”

“I wasn’t planning to, fuck, I was drunk, okay?”

“That doesn’t answer why you kissed me.”

Kihyun’s hands are almost trembling right now. He stares at them and doesn’t even realise the next words are coming out of him mouth. He doesn’t realise until it’s too late.

“I did it because I was curious.”

Silence. Then Hoseok’s voice is colder than he’s ever heard it.

“Curious.”

“Yes.” Shut up. Why do you keep talking. Shut up.

“Curious about what?”

“About what it’d feel like to kiss a man.” No, that’s not it. That’s not right. What are you saying, Kihyun? “Any man.” Fuck.

Hoseok doesn’t reply for a few seconds. Kihyun still isn’t looking at him.

“Why me then? If any man was good enough for you, why did you kiss me?”

Fuck, he’s never heard him so broken before. He’s scared of looking at him.

“Because I knew you’d kiss me back…”

Kihyun’s voice dies out while he says those last words. Now he’s really trembling and his eyes are watery, a couple of tears threatening to run down his cheeks. He hears footsteps behind him and he realises that Hoseok is coming closer. He stops breathing for a second. The footsteps stop next to him but he doesn’t turn his head.

“Look at me.”

He turns. Hoseok’s crying, Of course he is. But his face is hard. It’s scary. It’s wrong. Hoseok should never look like that. Hoseok should never feel like that. And yet Kihyun hurt him enough to make that happen. Hoseok’s voice is both harsh and broken when he speaks again.

“Were you always like this?”

Kihyun can’t fight back his tears anymore. But he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care. What did he just do? Hoseok is looking at him with so much disappointment and so much pain. He fucked up. He really did. And there is no way he can fix this. But Hoseok is not done.

“Did you think that this was okay because I’m bi? Because I am attracted to men as I am to women? Does that make me available for anyone? That I don’t have any feelings? Or did you think that exactly because I have feelings for you then it’d be okay? Because neither of those things is okay, especially not to a person you’re supposed to care about as you claimed for so long. You’re a fucking asshole, Yoo Kihyun. That was really low, even coming from you.”

Hoseok tears his eyes away and heads towards the door. Before opening it he speaks again.

“We don’t have to talk about this again. I’ll grand you your wish. Pretend that it never happened.”

He leaves. Kihyun slides down and sits on his ankles. He’s sobbing. 


	6. Chapter 6

The following days pass mechanically for Kihyun. He spends all of his energy on looking bright and happy when in public, but the rest of the time he hardly ever smiles. He makes some effort as to not worry his members, but he fails.

Hoseok clearly has a lot on his mind, too, but he acts normal around the members. Naturally, he’s not that close to Kihyun anymore. They barely say the minimum required.

The others are obviously worried even if they don’t say much and Kihyun feels sorry for that, but he knows that he can’t do anything about it right now. He works so hard on maintaining the perfect image for the rest of the world, he feels drained. He needs some time.

He tries to avoid thinking too much, he knows that it will just result in him crying over something he doesn’t know how to fix, something he doesn’t know if he can fix. But he definitely doesn’t want Changkyun to see him cry again, not after the younger had seen him that night in the kitchen when he got up to go to the bathroom.

So he tries. He’s doing his best on stage, he’s giving it his all during practice too, as if working more intensely will make everything better. He cleans more, if that was even possible, he works out maniacally. Then, exhausted, he sleeps. And the next day he starts again.

Roughly ten days later, during an opening he found in his schedule, he decides to visit Yoongi. He calls the rapper and asks him if he has time, he gets an “I’m not getting out of my studio” in response and they settle on meeting there. He informs Hyunwoo and their manager that he’ll be in the BigHit building and leaves.

Yoongi is working on some track, Kihyun listens to it, he likes it. They order food and have dinner there. Then Yoongi asks.

“What’s wrong?”

Kihyun doesn’t want to tell him. He feels ashamed. He starts crying again.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, hyung. I’m so sorry.”

It’s the only thing he seems to be able to say. Yoongi sits next to him on the sofa and places a hand on his shoulder while Kihyun is crying in his hands.

“What for? What happened, Kihyun-ah?”

Yoongi is worried. He never presses this much. He knows when to give people their space. Kihyun didn’t want to talk when he arrived there, he just wanted to see his friend and Yoongi knew that. The fact that he’s asking like that now means that he’s really worried. Kihyun feels even worse.

“You’d be so disappointed in me, hyung.” He says between his tears.

“Kihyun-ah, talk to me. I’ve never seen you like this before.”

Kihyun talks. He says everything that happened. He doesn’t try to hide anything from Yoongi. He’s ashamed, but not a coward. He spits everything out. When he’s done, he stays on the sofa, elbows on his thighs, staring at his own hands. He just waits for Yoongi to tell him what he deserves to hear.

Yoongi next to him stirs a bit. He leans back, lets his fingers go through his hair, exhales.

“You fucking bastard.”

Kihyun doesn’t react. He doesn’t try to defend himself either. They agree on that one. Then Yoongi’s hand is on his nape.

“Kihyun-ah. You need to stop lying to yourself.”

They stay like that for a while. Kihyun’s not crying anymore, he’s lost in thought. Yoongi is still there, next to him, his hand on the younger’s back, comforting him.

“Hyung, I need to go.”

“Are you going back?”

Kihyun nods. “They know where I am, but Changkyun-ah will be worried. I wanna go back.”

They both get up.

“Kihyun-ah…”

“I know. I can’t run away anymore… I’m in love with him. I kissed him because I wanted to. Because I’ve wanted to for a while now.”

“That’s quite a statement, you know.” Yoongi says with a smile and Kihyun reflects it.

“I know. I have so many things to figure out, but I know that much.”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“What? After everything that happened? Of course not.”

“What you did was shitty, but, don’t you think he should know that you weren’t playing around with him?”

“It won’t help right now. He’s already so hurt. I doubt he wants to go through that again.”

“You think he’s not already thinking about it?”

“I think he’s trying to move on and I’m definitely not gonna stop him. I don’t know what I’m doing and what I want right now. It’d be completely unfair to him if I asked for anything now.”

“I disagree, but that’s not my decision to make. Take care of yourself, Kihyun-ah.”

“Thanks, hyung. You, too.”

The two friends hug each other briefly and Kihyun leaves.

When he enters the dorms, he finds Changkyun half-asleep on the sofa. He softly smiles and plops next to him, waking him up.

“Yo.”

“H-hyung? Are you okay? You weren’t back and I-“

“I was with Yoongi.”

“Oh.”

Kihyun ruffles Changkyun’s hair and smiles at him. Changkyun stares at him. It’s been a while since he last saw him genuinely smile.

“I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“No, it’s… Are you okay now?”

“Who knows. But you don’t need to worry. I’ll be fine. Have you eaten?”

Changkyun nods.

“Hyunwoo-hyung ordered fried chicken.”

“The one night I was out he ordered fried chicken. Thanks.”

“I think that’s why he did it, hyung.” Changkyun smirks and Kihyun feels his smile widening. Changkyun is his soft spot, he can’t help it, he likes him too much.

“Wanna watch TV for a bit before going to bed?”

 

 

Fast forward a few days, things are almost back to normal. Kihyun is finding his old self and he’s coming to terms with a few things about himself. He still doesn’t have a lot of free time but he spends most of it with Changkyun or Minhyuk. Seeing him getting better, neither asks too much.

Of course, he still has to make effort to interact with Hoseok in public and so does the older. This is going unexpectedly well, but the same can’t be said about their personal relationship. Still, Kihyun can’t complain about anything. He just hopes Hoseok’s okay.

The first time Hoseok looks at Kihyun properly again is during a fan-meet. And it’s because of something Kihyun said.

He doesn’t really know how it started. He was talking to a fan and he wasn’t paying attention. He only heard a fan’s words from the crowd.

_“But they’re not gay, that’s…”_

Upon hearing that, Hoseok looked up and spotted the fan who had said it. She was chuckling with her friend. But before he had a chance to reply, Kihyun had grabbed the mic.

“How were you going to finish that sentence?”

Everyone is startled. Now Hyunwoo moves closer to him and whispers something in his ear. Kihyun nods and then turns back to the fan.

“It’s just that…” the fan speaks “Minhyuk-oppa and Jooheon-oppa…”

“I know, I saw them. I want to know how you were going to finish that sentence.”

“Well” the fan chuckles, embarrassed “gays are… weird? They’re perverts, aren’t they?”

Kihyun remains calm. He can feel everyone’s eyes on him, but Hoseok’s gaze burns.

“I don’t think so. There’s nothing wrong with love. Gay people, bisexual people, pansexual people, asexual people, everyone has the right to love and be loved and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“But… they’re…”

“Less common? Unconventional? It doesn’t matter. Love is love. Please, be careful with your words, you can hurt a lot of people. You shouldn’t take away from someone the right to love and be loved.”

The fan looks like she’s been slapped, but Kihyun was very polite and calm about this so she can’t say anything back. She simply nods and apologises.

Soon, Minhyuk takes it upon himself to bring things back to normal and starts jumping around all over the place and ends up poking Hyunwoo’s cheek while he’s talking with a fan completely unfazed.

In the meantime, Kihyun talks with a manager. Hyungwon joins them. They’re really quiet and a few minutes later they’re back to their seats. Kihyun doesn’t dare to look towards Hoseok.


	7. Chapter 7

Ending the fan-meet without further incidents went better than expected. The only things indicating that something was different was the piece of paper Kihyun is holding in his hands, given to him by a female fan with the simple phrase “Thank you” hastily written on it.

Kihyun had stared at it blankly and tried to say something back, but the girl had just smiled and moved on. Now, he’s placing the note in his pocket, intending on keeping it.

Walking inside their dorms he decides that the first thing to do tonight is cook. They’re all tired, so he tells everyone that they should go take a bath now, he’d go in last after making sure they had dinner. Everyone agrees and Hyunwoo goes first.

Roughly an hour later the food is ready and everyone apart from Kihyun has taken their shower. When Kihyun comes back from the bathroom the others have eaten and he whines that they didn’t wait for him, only for Minhyuk to hug him and squeeze his cheeks teasingly.

“You’re such a whiny baby, do you want me to keep you company while eating, Kihyunnie?”

“Shut up, Minhyuk, I don’t want anything from you.” Kihyun complains.

“Well, then, I’ll excuse myself. Goodniiiight.” Minhyuk sings happily leaving.

Kihyun looks at him betrayed and those who were actually paying attention to them smile softly.

From the corner of his eye Kihyun can see Hoseok rubbing his shoulder with his hand. Hyunwoo seems to notice, too.

“Does it still hurt?”

“A bit.”

“What? Are you in pain?” Jooheon intercepts. “Why didn’t you say anything earlier?”

“It’s fine, just some back-pain, I’ll put some cream on and get some rest and I’ll be fine tomorrow.”

“Can you even reach your back?” Hyungwon jokes, but Hoseok pouts. “Oh. You can’t.” Hyungwon actually laughs. “Idiot hyung, you should ask for help.”

“Fine. Kihyun-ah, will you help me?”

“Sure.”

Too quick. He didn’t even think about it. The word was out before he knew. Naturally, just like that.

He had been fiddling with the fridge while listening to the conversation, not intending on joining, despite being worried about Hoseok. But when Hoseok talked to him, he found himself immediately responding.

He is surprised, but in a way he is also relieved. He doesn’t know what to expect, but even those few words, they are some progress. He has missed him.

Closing the fridge, Kihyun turns to look at Hoseok. He’s looking down at his hands, playing with a piece of plastic wrapper that was left on the counter. He catches Jooheon and Changkyun sharing a glance.

“I’ll go grab the lotion.”

Hoseok nods in response and Kihyun finds himself in the bathroom within seconds. Tension again. But he’s happy. Maybe he can actually fix this. He unconsciously throws some water on his face, takes the small bottle from the shelf and heads back.

Entering the kitchen he stumbles upon Jooheon and Changkyun, who say goodnight to him and leave. He notices that Hyunwoo and Hyungwon have also gone to bed, which makes Hoseok the only person there.

Upon seeing him, Hoseok takes his shirt off without a word and turns around, supporting himself with his arms, hands on the counter. Kihyun walks closer, pours some lotion in his palms and begins massaging him.

Neither speaks for a while. They both seem lost in their own worlds. Kihyun doesn’t know how to initiate conversation, he doesn’t know how to break the ice. He doesn’t try in fear of making things worse. But Hoseok has different plans.

“Hey”

Kihyun’s hands stop moving.

“What you said earlier, at the fan-meet”

He starts massaging him again.

“Did you really mean that? Was it because of me that you said it?”

Kihyun takes a few seconds. Hoseok waits.

“I meant it. Every word of it. And it wasn’t just about you, but you were definitely one of the most important reasons I said it. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I know I’ve been an asshole to you and I have absolutely no way of apologising properly and making things right with you. But for what it’s worth,” he stops again and walks next to Hoseok, looking at him “I really am sorry, hyung. I’m sorry I hurt you. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I am glad you gave me the chance to tell you this.”

“Why don’t you expect me to forgive you?”

Kihyun shrugs and takes Hoseok’s arm from the counter, massaging it too.

“Cause I took advantage of your feelings? Cause I don’t know if I would, were I in your place? I don’t know.”

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“I’ll forgive you.”

“What?”

“I’ll forgive you if you promise to do this for me every night till I stop hurting, cause that’s not happening tonight.” Hoseok smiles, pointing at Kihyun’s hands on his arm.

Kihyun can feel a grin slowly spreading on his face, but then he notices Hoseok’s playful puppy eyes and re-plays Hoseok’s words in his mind. His eyes narrow dangerously at his hyung.

“How many days have you been in pain?”

“Haven’t counted.”

“You idiot hyung!”

“Ouch! Kihyunnieeeeeeee!” Hoseok whines, pouting and rubbing the spot on his arm Kihyun had just pinched.

“You really are hopeless!”

Hoseok pouts again but he can’t fight back a bubbly laugh for long. Kihyun stares at him. Oh he had missed this. He smiles and takes Hoseok’s other arm.

“You still have to clean the kitchen tonight.”

“Really now? Really? Do I have to do everything in this house?”

“You’re not suggesting I do it for you, are you?”

Kihyun knows Hoseok’s only teasing him, he can see the smirk and the slightly raised eyebrow, he can see his eyes glinting. Yet, he can’t resist pouting.

“No.”

“Figured.”

Okay, Hoseok looks too satisfied with himself right now. Kihyun wants to punch that handsome face of his. Also kiss it. He does neither.

But almost as if knowing Kihyun’s thoughts, Hoseok leans closer. Kihyun holds his breath.

“Thank you, Kihyunnie.” Hoseok whispers.

Kihyun is really confused, but he doesn’t have time to react. Hoseok kisses his cheek and leaves the kitchen giggling.

Sometime later, a very frustrated Kihyun is hugging his pillow in his bed, trying to sleep. What the fuck was that? Was he really gonna tease him all the time now? He feels his heart beating fast just at the thought of it.

But it’s fine. It’s fine because Hoseok forgave him. It’s fine because things will work out and go back to normal. It’s fine because having Hoseok back is more than he could ever ask for after everything that happened. It’s fine.


	8. Chapter 8

It’s not fine. It’s definitely not fine. It’s torture.

It’s like Hoseok knows how Kihyun feels and keeps this act up just to make him suffer. Hoseok using his hyung status to sit next to Kihyun on random occasions, the bickering when they were buying their Christmas tree and ornaments, the squeezing of his cheeks at New Year’s, the endless teasing during the fan-signs, from using a strap as a whip on each other’s thighs to Hoseok’s cheesy flirting and Kihyun forgetting his thoughts mid-sentence because the older was distracting him, every single thing is driving Kihyun crazy.

It hasn’t been that long, but Kihyun has stopped lying to himself. He doesn’t have a lot of free time, but whenever he does he thinks a lot about himself, his life and his feelings.

He knows he has feelings for Hoseok. He ignored and suppressed them for way too long and ended up hurting him so much, he even put the group’s dynamics in danger. But the members trusted him and he doesn’t want to fail them again. He doesn’t want to fail Hoseok again either.

So he has no choice but to acknowledge the fact that he’s in love with Hoseok. He had told Yoongi that day at the studio of course, but since then he’s had the chance to fully grasp what that means.

He’s no idiot. He knows he can’t do anything reckless. But he doesn’t plan to anyway. He loves a man, a friend and a band mate, he can’t think of any way this could turn out well. And to add to that, he had hurt said person pretty horribly.

In all honesty, it hurts him that he can’t say anything. It hurts him that he can’t have Hoseok. But he feels like he doesn’t deserve him, plus, who would actually keep loving someone that hurt them so badly? Not even Hoseok would be able to do that. He’s sure getting over him and moving on.

Kihyun knows what that means, too. Hoseok’s not a kid. It’s only by chance that he hasn’t seen him with anyone else and he knows it. That thought scares him. It scares him that he’s happy in someone else’s arms. He doesn’t want to be jealous, he doesn’t want to keep getting hurt either.

He knows he should try to move on, too. But it’s not easy. From the moment he acknowledged his feelings he’s been discovering all those ways Hoseok can make him hold his breath for a little longer than usual, or his heart beat faster, or his skin burn where the older has touched him, either teasingly or just in need of affection. Cause that’s who Hoseok is. An affectionate person, he both gives and receives and if he’s close to you, you can’t avoid it. Not that Kihyun would want to avoid it.

He’s been discovering more ways to make him laugh, too. He really loves his hyung’s laugh. And he especially loves it when he’s the reason behind it. But he knows that there’s a trap in that and he can’t keep giving in. He can’t keep falling for him. He has to stop.

So, he makes a big decision. Something that’s not easy in his line of work and with his busy schedule. He decides to actively try and date someone. Or not date, just fool around. He knows it’s risky, but it’s the best solution he can think of. He needs to keep his mind off of Hoseok and move on. Plus, the whole thing got him interested in exploring his sexuality.

He tells Yoongi once and, while the rapper still believes that Hoseok should know the truth, he supports Kihyun and helps him figure things out.

Time passes and things are back to normal. Hoseok and Kihyun keep spending a lot of time together. They’re back to being in friendly terms, with the occasional teasing and flirting and even fan service, even though they don’t have to try a lot for that.

Kihyun comes out to their managers as gay. They’re pretty surprised, but they accept it, just warn him to be careful. Kihyun thanks them and promises to be as discreet as possible. He informs them about his “encounters” when he thinks that things might get out of hand, but that doesn’t happen often. He really is careful.

Soon he comes out to Minhyuk, too. The vocalist only raises an eyebrow at him.

“Took you long enough.”

“Wait, you knew?”

“I had thought about it, but I wasn’t sure.”

“How?”

Minhyuk just shrugs.

“So are you gonna confess to Hoseok now?”

“What?”

“It’s obvious. Now that I know for sure that you’re gay, at least.”

“Minhyuk, stop. No. That’s not an option.”

Kihyun’s voice is firm and Minhyuk is really surprised this time.

“But why? You know he-“

“I know he had feelings for me” Kihyun interrupts him “but first of all he probably moved on by now” Minhyuk gives him an eyeroll that Kihyun ignores “and I’m honestly trying to do the same.”

“Is it working?”

“…It is.”

“That doesn’t sound convincing.”

“Minhyuk-”

“You look tired.”

“Don’t we all? Don’t change the subject.”

“I’m not. Kihyun, stop punishing yourself. I know how much of an asshole you can be and I’m guessing you have been a huge asshole to Hoseok, but he has forgiven you, hasn’t he? Give this a chance. For your asshole’s shake, too.”

“Leave my asshole alone.”

“Hoseok’s then.”

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

“How do you know?”

“You’re leaning on my shoulder, you don’t do that with people you hate.”

Kihyun’s head jolts up, startled.

“I’m emotionally weak and you’re taking advantage of me.”

Minhyuk blatantly laughs at him.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard you say. And I’ve heard you say that you’re prettier than me.”

“Shut up.”

Kihyun’s words hold no actual venom and Minhyuk knows. They both stay like that for a while, only for Jooheon to appear and shout something about an Overwatch tournament and suddenly they’re both gone.

 

 

With that settled, Kihyun slowly comes out to the other members as well. Hyunwoo first, cause he knows that if anything happens he’ll take the blame. He talks to Changkyun next and after that to Jooheon and Hyungwon. Everything happens within a couple of days. Everyone accepts it without much fuss.

Changkyun only asks once if Hoseok knows. Kihyun tells him that he doesn’t. Changkyun doesn’t ask why. Kihyun doesn’t try to tell him either. He tells himself that there’s no need after all that mess that happened and avoids thinking about it again.

Deep down he knows he’s wrong. He knows that it’s a mistake. But he can’t do it. He can’t bring himself to talk to Hoseok about it, not without a confession following after that. He doesn’t trust himself to only say what’s absolutely necessary. So he doesn’t say anything at all.

A few months later Kihyun realises in the worst possible way that that was a really bad decision. Probably even worse than confessing.

They have just started their world tour for this year, successfully wrapping up promotions for their latest album only a few days ago. They’re currently at a hotel somewhere in London and they’re flying to Amsterdam the day after tomorrow.

Kihyun is pretty loose when he enters the lift. He’s smiling and humming and he’s in a genuinely good mood. The lift doors start closing and at the last moment a very familiar hand reaches in between to stop them.

Kihyun hits the button to let Hoseok get in as well. Hoseok does, but doesn’t return Kihyun’s smile. They’re alone in there and as soon as the doors close again, this time successfully, Hoseok speaks.

“Hey.”

“Hey…? …What’s wrong?”

“So, are you gay now?”

Kihyun freezes. Hoseok turns to look at him. Kihyun can tell he’s pretty pissed.

“Uh… I guess I am.”

Hoseok nods, bitter.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What?”

“You told the others.”

“How do you know? How did you…?”

“I saw you.”

“I don’t und-”

“I saw you earlier with that waiter.”

Kihyun’s face loses all colour, drained from his blood. He thought no one could see them. He thought he was careful.

“I can-“

“What you did was reckless.”

What? Is he lecturing him? Not that he doesn’t have the right, but is that what bothered him? Of course. What else.

“We just met, we didn’t even do anything. I doubt you’d be able to know if you didn’t know me.”

“Really.”

“Hyung…”

“Who else knows about this?”

“…the managers, Hyunwoo-hyung as a leader… the others…” Kihyun’s voice dies out towards the end. Hoseok’s face tells him everything he needs to know.

“So I was right. You did tell the others.”

No reply.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You said I was still your precious hyung. And you know I would be able to understand you.”

“…I don’t know, hyung.”

The lift doors open. Neither moves.

“You know, it’s about time you start finding another excuse. Unless you really know nothing about what the fuck you’re doing.”

Just before the doors close again, Hoseok walks out and gets himself locked in his room. Kihyun stays in the lift. It gets called on another floor, but he doesn’t move. A minute later, we walks out on a random floor. He really fucked up. Again.


	9. Chapter 9

The light that’s coming from the window is annoying. The noise from the corridor outside is annoying. His headache is annoying. Ugh, can’t people just shut up? Can’t the world stop spinning? Can’t everyone, just, let him be?

He shifts on the bed, trying to cover his face with his pillow. His headache is killing him. He realises he’s naked. He doesn’t remember going to bed. What the hell happened last night?

It takes a couple of tries for his mind to start working. Right. It’s been several days after the fight in the lift. They’re in Madrid, Spain. Yesterday was their concert and today they’re flying back home. He needs to check the time, but he can’t move right now. He concentrates on remembering more.

He remembers that the past days were sad. They were distant again. He didn’t like that. The others didn’t either. He remembers everyone gathered in a room. This room. They were drinking together. They got drunk. Not all of them. He remembers Minhyuk saying something along the lines of “Enough. Talk it out.” He remembers the others leaving.

Everything spins. His memories blur again. He checks the bedside table and finds a bottle of water and some painkillers. He falls back on the bed.

He wasn’t alone. He was left alone with him. He recalls parts of the dialogue that followed. He doesn’t remember who said what. But he remembers what was said.

“Why did they do this?”              

“Can’t you tell why?”

“So, what now?”

“I don’t know.”

“How do we fix this?”

“Last time we kissed.”

“That didn’t fix anything.”

“I know.”

Oh. They kissed again. And it wasn’t soft or accidental or an unsure decision. It was urgent. Passionate. Honest. Just like the undressing that followed. Just like everything else after that.

Kihyun looks down at his body. There are marks. Hoseok’s marks. He’s sure Hoseok has Kihyun’s marks too.

He lets his fingertips caress them, remembering Hoseok’s touches from last night. He looks around. Hoseok is not there. Nor are his things. He’s sure he didn’t sleep there either. Did he leave immediately…? He left? He left him? Hoseok left him.

He curls under the sheets hugging his knees and cries. Hoseok left him.

“It’s fine. This is fine. I deserve this. This is fine. I shouldn’t ask for more.” It hurts. “This is okay because he doesn’t like me like that anymore and I was the one who hurt him in the first place.” It hurts. “It’s fine.”

 

 

 

Kihyun doesn’t confront Hoseok. He tries to move on. But he doesn’t smile anymore. He doesn’t look at Hoseok either. But from what he can tell, Hoseok seems lost in his own world too.

The members are worried. Minhyuk tries to talk to him, but seeing Kihyun like that makes him give up almost immediately. Kihyun overhears him say to Hyunwoo that this time they shouldn’t try to interfere.

He notices that they’re all there for them, though. They don’t leave either alone for too long. Hoseok asks to be left alone a couple of times, but Kihyun doesn’t.

Changkyun tries to make him laugh, Jooheon comforting the youngest when the only thing that he manages is a small sad smile on Kihyun’s face. Minhyuk almost always sleeps with him now. One night Kihyun woke up crying, Minhyuk rubbing his back. He seemed ready to say something, but he didn’t. He held it back. He let him cry.

Hyungwon and Hyunwoo stay mostly with Hoseok. One day Kihyun hears Hoseok and Hyungwon fighting. He can’t make out what they’re saying. He doesn’t try to. He gets up and runs out of the building. For the first time, the others don’t follow him.

“Hyung, do you have time?”

He doesn’t know how far he run.

“Sure, what’s wrong?”

A distant door closing. Yoongi is alone now.

“I’m lost.”

“What happened, Kihyun-ah?”

Kihyun speaks. He tells everything. About hurting Hoseok again, about the members having enough of their shit, about sleeping with Hoseok, about being alone the next morning, about how painful the last few days have been.

“Are you an idiot?”

“What? I’m serious, hyung, I don’t know what to do.”

“Just, stop for a minute. Would Hoseok, your Hoseok, ever do something like that to hurt you?”

“What? Of course not! This is ridiculous to even consider!”

“So?”

“But I did this to him first”

“So would he do that to get revenge?”

“No! He’s not that kind of person!”

“Just fucking talk to him, Ki. Ask him why he slept with you.” 

“But, hyung-“

“Ask him.”

Kihyun gulps. “Okay.”

When he goes back to the dorms everything is quiet. There’s a note on the fridge that tomorrow’s schedule was postponed for next week. He sighs and heads to the bathroom.

He’s ready to knock on the door to see if anyone’s inside when it’s suddenly open and Hoseok’s standing if front of him. He holds his breath. It’s been days since he last looked at him. He looks tired. He’s staring at Kihyun, too. Then he turns to leave.

“Can we walk?”

“About what?”

“Do I need to say it?”

“Yes.”

“About that night.”

“What about it?”

Hoseok walks towards the kitchen. Kihyun follows him and closes the door behind him.

“Why did… Why did you sleep with me?” His voice is uncertain. Shy. Scared.

“Why did you?” Hoseok’s is defensive. And tired.

“I asked you first.” That’s such a stupid thing to say. Can’t you just be honest for a change.

Hoseok turns towards the door again and opens it.

“Leave it, Kihyunnie. You won’t understand.”

“I love you.”

“Are you making fun of me?”

“I mean it.”

Kihyun isn’t looking at Hoseok. He has his eyes closed. He’s crying again. He can’t take it anymore. To the heck with the risks and their group’s dynamics and the fans and everything. He’s tired. And in love. And Hoseok’s there, in front of him. Even if he doesn’t love him back. So he lets it all out.

“I love you, I just didn’t think that you’d still have feelings for me after everything that happened and I couldn’t bring myself to tell you anything. I thought you regretted that night and that’s why you left. But I’m tired of this, of lying, of hurting you, of getting hurt. I love you, hyun-“

Kihyun’s voice gets drowned. Hoseok’s lips are on his, his arms hugging his waist. He can’t breathe again. He doesn’t understand. But he kisses Hoseok back. When the kiss breaks he stares at him.

“I left because I thought that you’d reject me again and I couldn’t take that, not this time.”

“What?”

“I love you. I always have. I never stopped. Idiot.”

“You love me.”

“I do.”

“And I love you.”

Hoseok grins. “You do.”

“And this isn’t a joke.”

“I sure hope not.”

Kihyun’s heart explodes. He cups Hoseok’s face and stares at him.

“I love you.”

“You sound like you just made the discovery of the century.” Hoseok teases.

“I did.”

“Sap.”

“You of all people don’t have the right to cal-“

Kihyun gets interrupted again, but he doesn’t mind. Why would he? The man he loves is kissing him and nothing, absolutely nothing compares to that feeling. So he kisses him back.

 

 

 

“FUCKING FINALLY!” Minhyuk’s voice is way too loud.

“So extra.”

“Amen” Jooheon is actually making the sign of the cross with his hand.

“Not you, too!”

“But seriously, took you long enough.”

“Sorry.”

“Just don’t have sex while we’re in the same room, it’s gross.”

“Who would do that?”

“You don’t wanna know.”

“Okay.”

 

 

 

“Is this the last box?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Are you sure you don’t need help unpacking?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Are you sure you don’t need company while unpacking?”

“Hoseok, you have things to do.”

“Yes, you for example.”

“I don’t even have sheets on the bed yet, please restrain yourself.”

“Who needs those? I won’t let a single drop go to waste.”

“I’m not getting my mattress all sweaty because you’re horny 24/7, Lee Hoseok!”

“Fine.”

Kihyun kisses Hoseok’s cute pout. They’ve been together for 5 years now and that pout is still his weakness, no matter how much he doesn’t want to admit it.

And today is the day they officially move out of the dorms. They both decided that moving in together wasn’t what they wanted right now, so they rented solo apartments that were way too close to each other. They also have each other’s duplicate keys. And they’re still working together, now their group successful and established inside Korea too, so they spend most of their time together anyway.

“Yoongi’s coming over later.”

“Oh, say hi”

“Tell him yourself.”

“I can’t, my mom will be visiting.”

“Oh, kiss her for me.”

“You’re invited for dinner tomorrow at her place, you know that, right?”

“…How am I supposed to know that exactly?”

“I didn’t tell you? She told me to invite you a few days ago.”

“…LEE HOSEOK!”

 

 

_And a couple of years later, old enough to have some more privacy from their fans and actually ready for it, they’d move in together._

_And a lot of fans would be sad because “I’m worried. They’re getting old. Shouldn’t they find a woman and get married?”_

_But some other fans would remember Hoseok’s scandal (the explanation of which they never believed) and Kihyun’s words during that fan-meet and they’d know. And they’d be happy for them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end!   
> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Comments and kudos are extremely appreciated, you can also find me and talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/chaerinsthighs) <3


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